I took a bit of time for self reflection.. Actually, I'm thinking pretty much non-stop but when I sat and tried to scratch my thoughts out on paper, I spent two days staring at a blank page which is where this begins...
I sit here, staring at this blank page. What have I to say about where I've been? What defines who I am and what I'll become? Just what does the future hold? Seems more and more I'm realizing I'm a blank slate. I'm a mother of three and proud of it. I've just lost my job of fourteen years that I kept mostly because it was comfortable. I wasn't blind sided. The writing had been on the wall for a long time. I had spent countless sleepless nights worrying over it. My responsibilities were dissipating. I feel I'd been running from it for so long, that I was initially relieved that it had finally happened. I worked from home. Secretary - never seemed glamorous but occasionally, I got an assignment that allowed me to stretch my wings into the technical or creative arena, which provided hints of the career I so desire...
I've searched the classifieds and rather than filling me with hope for all the possibilities, I'm overwrought with anxiety. Who'd have thought you could need an Associate's Degree for Secretarial work and how does 14 years experience compare in the long run? I should get my degree. I know I'm mentally capable. How much time is involved? How much expense and not just financially? How much do I need to rely on Joey to pull the load? Will the extra strain rip at our relationship that I cherish even after all these years? Despite my growing collection of doubts, I don't feel there will ever be a better time. I know in my heart that if I don't follow through, it will be my life long regret. How will I live with that? Why would I allow myself that kind of disappointment?
I'm optimistic by nature though firmly planted in reality. I know that better things could be around the corner. I know that I'm capable of so much more. I'm down hearted though desperate to deny it. How can I be so confident and yet so insecure? I have to make something happen. Why in the brink of such an opportunity would I let myself down this way? Life is sweet. This is the chance to follow a dream. My Dream! Someday, I'll look back and wonder what took me so long to realize it. Right?
Monday, August 20, 2007
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1 comment:
Sorry to hear that your feelings are in somewhat of a jumble over losing your job. Perhaps this could be the best thing that could've happened. I know the feeling though, being a secretary, you know you're meant for more. There's something out there perfect for you!
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